i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.