Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's