My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.