i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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