so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
