Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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