I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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