It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
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She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
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Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
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