I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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