I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The air was thick with penises
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
