Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
