seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
