Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
