She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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