she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
