its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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