Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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