Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
