I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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