We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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