My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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