Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
