Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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