I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
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