i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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