in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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