someone threw a dead crab at me
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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