just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
