Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
