when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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