he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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