My room smells like vodka and shame
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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