haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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