If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
