U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
we made out on top of his cat.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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