Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
