I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
