Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
