I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
