I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
