i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
