They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
