Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
