he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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