it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I love you. Go after that dick
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
