How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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