Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
