I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
