So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
