someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
