We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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