u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
