I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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