the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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