it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just found a bag of teeth...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
