Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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