I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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