Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
