Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
