My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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