I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
worst night to have a conscience
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
