Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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